I have long given up on new year’s resolutions. I used to, like most people, wake up on January 1st and feel unsatisfied with my achievements and habits in the previous year. I would then make some new resolutions about what I needed to do differently. I had the greatest intentions. I seemed to have clarity and vision. I felt very capable of making the changes which would make my life successful, happy and rewarding. I told myself it would just require a little discipline and will power. Surely I had enough of that! But it didn’t take too long for me to start falling into the same old traps, running out of steam, and losing faith in myself.
As an older and more seasoned person, I understand now that it’s not faith in myself and my own will power that I need. And there’s nothing particularly game changing about the first day of the calendar year. I have taken a dramatically different approach in the last few years, because they have been very challenging years, with lots of adversity and a fair amount of heartbreak. For a while I lost an ability to look very far ahead and see positive things. I was walking in a dense fog while earth was eroding under my feet and rocks were falling on top of me from all over. It really felt like this. During that time I developed one great habit. And it wasn’t because I had great discipline, but because I didn’t feel like I had any. I started walking up at 5 am every day before work and seeking the Lord through His Word and prayer. My heart’s aching need drove me. I needed this time more than I needed food or even sleep. I was weak and I was falling apart. Some of those dark winter mornings all I could do was just sit there crying and pouring my heart to the Father. I showed up every morning and asked for strength for just one day. I couldn’t see beyond one day. And so my most life saving habit was born out of weakness, not strength or self-discipline. The Word of God I was allowing to penetrate my soul each day have become daily shot of nutrition. This regular dose of light started to illuminate the dark compartments in my heart and the healing started to happen. There, in my meeting place my hope was growing stronger.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whos spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18). These words have become my own reality. I could sense that I wasn’t alone in my most gut wrenching moments. Had I relied on my own strength to get me through those difficult times, I would have fallen on my face. Had I trusted in myself, the world’s greatest and smartest or savviest of people, or any kind of 7-step-program-to-a-better-you, I most likely wouldn’t be where I am today. On my wild ride through life, I learned to trust God without holding anything back. He kept me sane. He kept me humble. And little by little I started to get my fire back.
“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland” (Isaiah 43:19). I read this Scripture this morning and it occurred to me that it isn’t just for January 1st. It is for every day. Every day is a new opportunity to embrace God’s dreams for us and open up to the ways He wants us to be a part of His much bigger story. I am looking at some scattered puzzle pieces of my life. They look kind of obscure and I’m not sure how they will fit, but I have faith that they will eventually fit in a beautiful way. I also know that God already sees the final product and He likes it! If there’s anything He wants from me, it’s certainly not my strength or will power. It’s my availability and willingness to say “I’m in. I want to be a part of this epic story You are writing”.
Having said all this, I am waking up to the year 2017 in the same way I wake up to every new day – with the anticipation of a new chapter God wants to write into my life and lives of those I love. All I want is a front seat in His book club.
Undisciplined but faithful.